We're Still Standing

I know this post is LONG overdue but the last couple month have been a struggle for us, me especially. For those that don't know, I had a miscarriage. On April 29, I started having cramps and bleeding. I made the call to my OB's office and they told me to go to the ER that they thought I was having a miscarriage. Just hearing that word was the scariest thing. We headed to the ER and after waiting several hours finally got back to see the doctor. He wasn't very optimistic. They took me back to do an ultrasound and there on the screen was our little peanut!! I felt a great sense of relief. The ultrasound tech printed off a picture for us and I held it and stared at it for the next few hours. The next morning I followed the doctors orders and called to make an appointment with my OB. They got me in that same day. He performed another ultrasound, and he said things seemed to be ok that I just needed to go home and take it easy. Which I did. But unfortunately that night I started having the cramps and bleeding again, more severe than the night before. I knew it couldn't be good! We headed back to the ER, but unfortunately this night I had the most heartless and inconsiderate doctor imaginable! He had no compassion and basically told me to go home and call my OB in the morning. He gave me no answers and left me feeling overwhelmed and stressed. When I reached my OB the next day, he sent me for blood work and had me come into the office to wait for the results. They were not what we had hoped. On May 1, he performed the DNC to complete the miscarriage and to give us a sense of closure. The whole thing just seemed surreal. I just felt like I was in a terrible dream and kept hoping to wake up. Unfortunately, I couldn't!!

For weeks I didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. I struggled some days just to get out of bed. Thankfully, we had planned a vacation to Myrtle Beach a few months back. (It was my mom, my mother-in-law, and my Mother's Day gift from Jason) It just happened to be about a week after all this happened. I was just so glad to be away from everyone and everything. It was nice to be around people who didn't know what happened and who couldn't ask me how I was doing. Although, I had periods of guilt. I felt guilty that I was enjoying myself, how could I be having fun with my family after this happened. It just didn't seemed right!

When everything happened, we decided to participate in something called "In God's Arms." This is a programed sponsored my the hospital and a local funeral home. Our hospital is a Catholic faith based hospital and as Christians we believe that life starts at conception. So when a life is lost due to miscarriage, they want to give the parents and families a place to grieve. After the DNC is performed, they take the fetal remains and transport them to the funeral home and they burry them at this beautiful memorial site at Southlawn Cemetery in South Bend. They have memorial services three times a year. We attended our first one this past Sunday on June 27. It was a difficult thing, but I'm so thankful to have a place to go to remember our baby!! Here's a link that explains what it is and shows a picture of the monument...
http://www.palmerfuneralhomes.com/content.php?sid=2432&ssid=7339

I am gradually starting to get better. I still have feeling of sadness, guilt and anger. It has been a struggle. I'm just thankful for my support system. I have a wonderful husband, daughter, sister, best friend, dad, and especially my mom! She has been my rock through this whole ordeal. She has given me the strength and support to get me through this. Without her, I don't know what I would have done. (I love you mom!!) I do well until I take the time to think about what happened. Then I'm overcome with such sadness. I think about how Bella will never know her brother/sister, how we will never hold our angel, never celebrate birthdays or holidays, never see a graduation or marriage for our little one. All our hopes and dreams for our child were just taken aways. Then I get angry about why this happened. I asked God why all the time. I know I will never have the answer. I just have to keep my faith in Him and know this is part of His plan! It's just hard to do somedays. I just asked that you all keep praying for strength for our family!

Until next time...